I’m known to be a romantic. Okay, that’s an understatement. I’m a die-hard romantic. I’m an adult and I still squeal when characters first kiss in movies. I audibly screamed when my best friend told me she and her boyfriend said “I love you.” My favorite movies are terrible romcoms. I literally skimmed the sex scenes while reading 50 Shades so that I could get to the romance and love.
I’m a ridiculous, over-the-top, die-hard romantic, and you can never change me.
Honestly, it’s annoying to be like this. Why am I even like this? I could blame it on my sign… I mean, Libras are known for being romantic. Maybe it’s that I grew up in a community in which women are supposed to be married with children before the age of 30. My grandmother had my wedding planned for me before I even had my first boyfriend. Late night sleepovers at my house meant watching reruns of Say Yes to the Dress or latest Adam Sandler romcom (which, let’s be honest, is such a weird thing).
Whatever it is, I am a romantic. I see the best in people, and that includes the species know as men, whom I am somehow attracted to. I allow myself to be vulnerable, scenario after scenario, even though it hurts like a mother fucker.
After being let down by yet another man, I had a friend over and we were chatting about it. My friend paused, looked up, and said, “Why do you even want to be in a relationship so badly?”
I blinked and answered honestly. “Because I want to share my life with someone.”
“But why do you want to share your life with someone?”
I paused this time. What a valid question. I hadn’t really thought about it before. I believe that human connection is what makes us… just that. Human. But as I sat there mulling it over throughout the day, I became increasingly inquisitive. Why do we, as humans, crave human connection? What are relationships for? Are we all just following societal protocol by falling in love?
Yeah, this definitely sounds like some Carrie Bradshaw shit, I know. So instead of constantly wondering in my head, I took to Insta, as any existential-crisis-having millennial would do. I explained the conversation, then asked the question: Why do YOU want to be in a relationship?
Here are some of the answers:
“I enjoy having someone to share my day and downtime with.”
“I think life is more fun and less scary when you have a partner to go through it with.”
“To have someone to share life’s memories and accomplishments with.”
And my personal favorite:
“I don’t want to. I chose to because he enhances my life in the best of ways.”
If I had my choice, I wouldn’t be such a romantic. I wouldn’t subject myself to the pain of vulnerability. If I had my choice, I wouldn’t be attracted to straight, gross, stinky men. But I am, and I want a partner in crime. I want someone that I can be vulnerable and intimate and goofy and nerdy with, and they give that energy right back.
Yeah, when I think I get one step closer, I can get hurt. And yeah, being vulnerable and opening up is freaking terrifying. What the hell am I even doing? But I keep telling myself my truth: Getting up after being knocked down only makes me stronger. I grow through the process each time — I’ve learned so much about what I want and what I can get out of myself and not someone else. Some might call it —dare I say— bravery, allowing myself to be open and vulnerable and keep walking it off. It sucks to get hurt, but it feels so good to feel feelings. You feel?
I don’t need a partner. I am complete on my own. I absolutely want a partner. I do believe that one day, I will have my own life partner that enhances my life in the best of ways, and maybe it’s just me, but I can’t get there without some trials and tribulations. I can’t get there without my vulnerability. It’s my superpower.
I will always be a romantic, and I’ll always want to have a life partner. Until then, I am perfectly fine on my own with my badass self… and maybe some romcoms and my besties.