I feel it happening again. The fog is drifting to my thoughts. It takes an obscene amount of energy to do work. I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep at night, falling asleep only to wake up every hour. I wake up hours past my alarm, unable to get out of bed.
I can’t remember things.
I have no energy.
I’m not ok.
I know it’s my good ol’ friend depression. How did this happen again? “It’s easy,” you say. Self quarantining has caused self isolation, plus the weather hasn’t been that great. Add that with slipping into easy habits like not working out or eating actual meals. Yeah, it’s obvious, but it still sucks.
I want to blame myself. I did this to myself. I am a failure. But I know that’s just the depression talking. I know I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I know the facts. It’s not something you can “do” to yourself. I have to treat myself with kindness. I would never tell a friend that depression is their fault. I’m not regressing. Success isn’t simply linear — sometimes it’s a whole lot of ups and downs.
If you’re struggling with your depression and wondering why it came back, don’t blame yourself. Do what you need to do to get better. I’m taking a day off of work and trying to do something small (that feels really big), like cleaning my bathroom. Sometimes that small (big) task is getting out of bed. And if you can’t do that, you can always try again tomorrow. You are not a failure for doing what’s best for yourself, and sometimes that’s sitting in the sadness. Sometimes it’s feeling the pain and being okay with it instead of layering on other things onto it, like work or a workout or cooking.
You are not a failure for having depression. Treat yourself with compassion, and allow yourself to feel the ups and downs. We will get through this. You and me both.